In recent years genre fans have come to expect a
certain level of chincy cheekiness when sitting down to Japanese splatstick titles
like Tokyo Gore Police, RoboGeisha and Frankenstein Girl vs Vampire
Girl - films with an inherent tongue-in-cheek approach to their
deliberately absurdist subject matter and even more absurd titles. Knowingly
ridiculous in almost every conceivable way, these midnight fare are often a bit of a
slog to sit through but are sometimes peppered with genuinely striking imagery
and uber-surrealist set pieces, making them at the very least enjoyable for a
belly laugh or two.
Therefore, you would
think that for those looking for cheap carnal thrills spliced with a healthy dose
of spilled entrails and good-old fashioned monster mayhem could do no better
than a film entitled Big Tits Zombie (aka Kyonyu
Dragon). Right? WRONG. For I regret to inform thee that not only does
this film not deliver on the assets of its name but it also features some of the
worst manifestations of the undead ever seen, Eastern-bound or otherwise. Oh,
and did I mention it’s also in 3-D? Yikes.
Beginning with a flashback fight sequence of very little relevance, the film then
rewinds back to the present day where we meet a select group of exotic dancers/strippers
who one night whilst discussing love, lust and the finer points of Shakespeare (no, really),
somehow stumble across a dusty old Book-of-the-Dead-esque tome in the bowels of
their club’s basement. Intelligently, one of the gleeful gals then decides to recite
a passage, knowingly giving rise to a horde of living
dead ghouls hell-bent on destroying everything in their path. Oh, and then
strippers transform themselves into kick ass, scantily clad,
weapon-wielding zombie killers. Begin cheering!
Don’t get me wrong, I
adore bad movies. Practically three quarters of my entire home
DVD collection consists of the cheapest, sleaziest, nastiest B-movie
malfunctions known to man. However, there is also an art to making an endearing
slice of cinematic cheese that many aspiring filmmakers out there clearly
disregard or simply aren’t privy to. Big
Tits Zombie could have – and should have – been truly magnificent and
it is anything but. Instead we get one of the laziest, clunkiest, most
unimaginative horror comedies to ever deface the genre and a true exercise
in cynical moviemaking.
From the get go it
becomes quite clear this thing was rushed into production as a result of title appeal alone and slapped together so quickly and haphazardly that even
the most discerning fan would have a hard time finding anything worth savoring.
The action is muddled, the costumes obviously home acquired, the humor is neither
witty nor dull-brained enough to work and the zombie makeup…well let’s just say the
local $2 shop made at least $46 or so by the end of the
shoot. Granted, these films are almost always made on a miniscule budget,
however when you can clearly see an undead extra wearing a rubber mask in an
effort to disguise their face you know the concerns of the filmmakers lie
clearly within the deep void of their own pockets.
Aside from being a jumbled mess both technically and narratively the
biggest offence generated by Big Tits Zombie is the disrespectful manner
in which it treats its audience. While mercifully short at only 73 minutes there
is never a moment during the film in which you the viewer feel as though you’re
getting what you paid for. Are there big tits on screen at all? No. Are
there cool zombies? No. Is the action insane enough to amuse? Hell no. It’s as
if the team behind this asinine disarray predicted the value of your ticket
purchase and made a beeline for a release date before they even knew what a splatter
movie was.
Simply put, Big
Tits Zombie is one of the worst movies ever made with one of the best
titles ever conceived. If you happen to find yourself with some buddies and a
trunk of beer you just might enjoy this. Otherwise, go rent the far superior Zombie
Strippers instead. At least that film has Jenna Jameson naked and
Robert Englund pestering dancers with a fly spray can.
Big Tits Zombie is AVAILABLE NOW from Madman Entertainment.
Big Tits Zombie is AVAILABLE NOW from Madman Entertainment.
Dir: Takao Nakano
Writer: Takao Nakano
Cast: Sola Aoi, Risa Kasumi, Mari Sakurai, Tamayo
Country: Japan
Run Time: 73mins
Rating: MA15+



























